The Four Horsemen of Relationship Decline

The Gottmans’ approach to couples therapy introduces us to the four horsemen of relationship conflict. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. We have all seen each of these horsemen in relationships around us. Understanding and addressing these patterns is essential for healthier communication and connection.

Criticism, our first horseman, isn’t inherently bad. It is only when the criticism starts to attack the person and not the issue. This isn’t to say that voicing concerns isn't essential, but if neither party is careful, there is a possibility of contempt riding in next.

Contempt is the second horseman. Contempt primarily stems from thoughts that you harbor, which can fester and infect your perception of your partner. This creates a rift of superiority and a need to gain the upper hand over your partner. This form of resentment is considered the sulfuric acid to a relationship and the biggest predictor of relationship failure or dissatisfaction.

Defensiveness is a typical response to criticism, but it escalates conflict rather than resolves it. It involves shifting blame, making excuses, or playing the victim. While it may feel like self-protection, it ultimately prevents accountability and meaningful resolution.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, or stops responding altogether. It often stems from feeling overwhelmed but comes across as dismissive or punitive. This form of silent treatment creates emotional distance and halts productive communication.

The presence of any of these Four Horsemen in a relationship doesn’t mean it's doomed, but ignoring them can crumble trust, intimacy, and mutual respect over time. The good news is that each of these behaviors has healthy alternatives known as antidotes, which include gentle start-ups instead of criticism, appreciation to counter contempt, taking responsibility instead of becoming defensive, and self-soothing rather than stonewalling. With awareness and effort, people can replace these toxic patterns with constructive communication and build a more resilient, connected relationship.